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                                                Saying Goodbye to Him

 I knew the day would come.  I never expected it to creep up on me so quickly as I turned left on to the narrow dirt strip road that led to his house.  In the distance, I saw the flames raging as I drew closer and closer to the going away bon fire. Our college education had led us in different directions and we would be six hours away from one another. At this point, I knew it was time for me to chin up and accept that I would have to say goodbye and let go.  I wasn’t ready to let go.

 “SAMI!!” a familiar, raspy voice shouted.  As I turned to look, I was tackled to the ground and pretty much squeezed until I could no longer breathe.  I couldn’t expect a better welcome from Brian.  He could never keep his hands to himself and hugged me, like a little girl who hugged her favorite doll, whenever he got the chance.  He’s lucky because he was one of the few people I let close to me. We walked, arms linked, and neared the blazing fire. I looked around to see who was there. I recognized a couple faces, a foot ball player here and a cheer leader there, but the most important one was Brian’s. I would never be able to see the sideways crooked smile he always gave me anytime I wanted.  I would miss seeing the shaggy chocolate colored hair shielding the light brown eyes held behind it and the high set cheek bones defining his slender, narrow face. As I looked beyond him, I noticed the things I would miss the most about the farm-like-house set back in the wooded area: the horses that greeted me with a whinny every time I walked by, Brian’s scruffy black and white dog Lacey, who never missed a beat, and most of all, the lanky, almost six -foot- tall boy who stood in front of me.

            The voices in the background disappeared as we searched for a seat close to the blistering fire.  I found myself a seat on the drenched picnic table, close enough to the fire that my eyebrows pretty much singed off.  I stared into the light brown pools that looked back at me, and I didn’t want to believe this was the last day I would see the eyes of the boy who cared for me so much.  He asked, “Sami G, how was your day?” My mind overflowed with questions that had no answers.  Would we ever see each other again?  Would our friendship conquer this obstacle life set before us, saying goodbye. 

             The only words I muttered were, “I am alright, I guess.”

As the evening began to set, I gazed into the fire while others ventured home.  Dust got caught in my eyes as cars traveled down the dirt strip road that led me to Brian’s. I was the last person left, and two pasty white arms grabbed a hold of me from behind.

“Oh my god,” I screamed with shallow breaths. It was Brian giving me one of his unexpected hugs. I should have known it would have happened sooner or later.  He plopped down, like a rag doll, in a chair right next to me and just looked at me.

“What’s on your mind, Sam Dawg?

The fire dwindled and I gave him my best fake smile.  I realized saying goodbye to Brian would be my toughest battle.  I couldn’t look away from the fire and look to the boy seated next to me.  I figured that if I looked at the fire then the night wouldn’t end.  If the night never ended then I wouldn’t have to say goodbye, but nights always end.

 I stared into the fire as the marshmallow I cooked melted like an ice cream cone on an eighty degree weather day.  I held my stick in the coals of the once – enormous fire and didn’t realize my marshmallow was gone.  My mind was somewhere else, just as it had been the whole night. 

“Brian, I don’t think I can say goodbye to you!  You have been one of my best friends and I don’t want to let you go,” I whimpered as tears streamed down my cheeks.  Brian hugged me and I knew it would be one of the last hugs from him for a while. We hugged until the fire burned its last flicker.  Neither of us was ready for the goodbye that would follow the endless hug.  Then Brian did something unexpected. 

“Sami, I love you,” he whispered as he pushed my hair behind my ears.  Before, if friends told me they loved me I wouldn’t say it back.  I don’t use the word love very loosely, and I don’t say it to just anyone.  I knew Brian meant it and that he did truly love and care for me.

“Brian, I love you too,” I replied with a sob.  My tears were wiped with an old, stained, ratty sleeve.  I didn’t care and buried my face into the damp, smoke – filled sweater Brian was wearing. After I had my emotional girl moment, I peered up and saw Brian had been crying as well.  We were never ashamed to show our emotions in front of each other.  We could talk to each other about anything.  I knew if I needed a shoulder to cry on, Brian would be there.  If I needed someone to holler at or just punch and release my frustrations on, he would be there. He was always a phone call away. With the goodbye came the fact that we wouldn’t be a phone call away anymore and that I wouldn’t have my human punching bag. We would be six hours from each other and wouldn’t be able to see each other in just fifteen minutes anymore.

We continued to hug and dared not let go.  The rain fell and with it, swallowed our tears. The air had become clouded with drifting smoke and the sky was now covered with angry grey clouds.  The trees lightly swayed as the wind continued to blow. I heard whinnies from the horses that stomped upon the ground in the pasture.  Night had set and with it, left us with a night to remember. No matter how far I was from Brian I would be just as close to him as I was in that moment. We would never lose each other, but the distance put between us would only make our friendship stronger.

I was the first to let go and with that my heart shattered. We both knew we had to go our own ways. 

“Goodbye,” I mumbled with a cracked voice.

“Good bye, Sami G. I love you, man.” With that, I dragged my heavily soaked feet back to my grimy white car.   I got in as tears streamed down my rosy cheeks.  I buckled my seat belt, turned on the radio and drove back down the dirt strip road that led me to the hardest night of my life. The air was much calmer now and the road didn’t spit up any dirt this time. It seemed like it took an eternity to drive down the familiar dirt road.  I just had to accept that this would be one of the many goodbyes I would have to say and one of the many obstacles I would have to overcome. The goodbye left me with an accomplishment. If I got through one of the most difficult moments of my life then I could get through anything.

After that hug I knew I would never lose Brian. He would always be with me no matter how near or far we were from each other. The phone would always be there for us when we needed to hear one another’s voice. I said goodbye to someone I loved, but I knew I would see him again and that we would never forget one another.

 

 

 

 Photo by Brian